Last night I went to bed with the phrase “The fourheaded leg” from the night some days ago. I had pain in my left hand and left hip, so I wasn’t sure I could sleep, even though it was late. But I did. Later that night I lay between awaken and drowsy, my body relaxed and I was looking through my forehead. Thoughts in my head: Where am I between all that satguru, spirituality, messenger, healer, life and belonging to life. I see myself in reddish-brown colors from above. The next thing that happens happens in a split second: White tongues – white cobra snakes at furious speed rush in through my feet and hands, my head and chest. I register/experience that my left shoulder makes some jerks. Then I doze off completely, while an older dream/dream vision just touches my consciousness, where I turn into a landscape and my hands and feet turn into rivers. Later, when I tell Åse about the dream experience, the feelings well up in me and turn into tears. Åse asks questions that shape a realization in me that I have used a mental knowledge of myself as a healer, myself as a messenger, myself as a satguru. That is, only having a legitimate connection to life through my deeds in life. More crying over both not having been a part of life as a person, and being one. An old split from when I was sent away from my close family as a child (my older brother, my twin sister, father and mother) as both the cause of and the solution to the family’s problems, by being moved to live for a period with my grandmother and grandfather (something that I only learned late in my life from my grandmother, before she died, and which I had no idea about). This meant that I myself was a victim of the split that I described between the spiritual and the physical. The feeling of: “Where is there a room for me” fills it all together with the crying over it. Fortunately, both Lukas and Åse are there and give space for the reaction. My insides are filled with peace – the physical connection and acceptance of myself as an individual in life and the connection of the deed with my person integrated into each other, like two snakes coiling around each other at the moment of fertilization. And as Lukas said in the situation: “It is time to let go of something that is over 70 years old” – so true, so true and so liberating. Emotionally, I am constantly close to tears – the physical expression that expresses what words cannot say, because they would be caught and shaped by my past limitations. And by the way, being a man in my childhood was: “Shut up and tear up a tree by the root, but show no weakness/emotions”. I write it all down and am filled with the realization and feeling: As the whole of me, I should not please anyone through my deeds, or earn my life through others acceptance of my actions, or compare myself with others”. It is felt by the words: “Victis aurore” freely translated to “The defeated dawn” – no longer captured by what was founded in birth and childhood. I open Facebook and the first thing I see is a video of the satguru among his disciples, and I rejoice on his behalf without asking: “Where are mine?”.